Him
by jteadore
Summary: "I love him but it hurts. I need to push him away because he'll never understand that what we could have it's impossible. It's an illusion we both created and that even though we are in love, we will never be together. I don't deserve him, I just can't. He has a girlfriend and I am his best friend. He's perfection and I am imperfection. Why can't he understand?..."
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, I am Jteadore but please just call me Tea. I love writing but what I love even more is reading. I've decided to try out writing, once again, a **_**fanfic. Please no flaming, I would really appreciate it.  
**_**If there's any spelling or grammar mistakes, please tell me so I could right away fix it. I would really appreciate it if you do.  
**_**Any Shugo Chara characters in this fanfic do not belong to me but the plot of this fanfic does.**_**  
Read and enjoy! Thank you! **(*´・ｖ・) **  
x-x-x**  
_Chapter 1: Not Enough_  
**x-x-x  
Amu's P.O.V  
(Flashback)  
**"_Hey, watch it, kid," a guy about seventeen years old told me as I almost run into him on the side walk. He pushed me to the side and I landed on my butt right on the floor.  
I shut my eyes then open them, only to find a hand stretching out for me right in front of my face.  
I looked up at the guy.  
He looked about sixteen years old, midnight blue haired, and a smirk displaying on his face.  
"You should really watch out where you're going, strawberry," he said.  
I blushed in embarrassment.  
"I am not a fruit, I am a person and my name is Amu," I told him while a glare manage to form on my red face.  
He grinned.  
I wish I could smack that little smile off his face!  
I frowned.  
"I am Ikuto," he introduced himself.  
"I don't care," I simply said as I stood up and brush the dirt off my jeans.  
Ikuto looked shocked for a second then no later than 3 minutes, his idiotic grin came back on his face.  
I rolled my eyes.  
"Well, see you," I waved at him.  
"Wait, um… I am new around here and I need someone to show me around town and stuff…" he said.  
I sighed and mentally smacked my forehead for the thing I was about to do.  
"Come with me, I'll show you around," I told him.  
He nodded.  
_**x-x-x  
**That was when I met him about two years ago yet I never knew I'd be the one falling for that jerk.**  
**His name is Ikuto Tsukiyomi.  
After that day, we became really close despite the fact that we would argue and went through a lot and sometimes ending up pushing him away.  
He still stayed no matter the circumstances and I became to fall in love with him.  
But you know, those typical boring old stories about two best friends being super tight and one of them ends up falling in love with the other while the other one is infatuated with another girl, right?  
This is not the typical story of my situation though.  
You see, he's dating _my friend_.  
He doesn't even know I even love him that way, pathetic right?  
After 2 years, I still lack the courage.  
Ikuto even told me he was in love with me a long time ago and I never manage to process that. Because, how could be in a love with someone like me? That sounds depressing, in a way.  
But if I was Ikuto, I wouldn't be in love with Amu Hinamori, the girl who can't even say out loud, not even by herself, that she loves her best friend.  
Because I am that type of girl that's too clumsy for everything and almost always says the wrong things at times.  
The girl who's too cheesy for her own good.  
The girl guys broke up with over and over because she is way too _complicated and emotional.  
_That's why I denied it and I tried to let him go, I tried pushing him away, and I even half pushed him to date my friend to do so.  
Yet, he always came back. Always, always, breaking my heart a tiny bit more than it was but he never seem to notice.  
I didn't reject him to be exact when he confessed but I never said anything and he never push me for an answer.  
What was there to say, honestly?  
I could have ended something beautiful by then like our friendship and I would die if that ever comes to an end.  
I have never have a friend like Ikuto. He's way too special for me and I am extremely attached.  
That's why I could never admit something like that…  
Especially since I don't even deserve it after putting him through a lot of things in the past.  
Whenever I think about it, I always end up feeling guilty.  
"Amu, what are you thinking about?" he asked, leaning in closely to my face.  
I broke out of my little trance and froze for a minute, staring into his eyes that by the passing second I seem to have melt into them instantly but slowly.  
Ikuto grinned sheepishly.  
"That's all it took to break your daydream."  
"Baka, don't be doing that. Remember what happened last time you did that? Saaya got pissed at you and didn't talk to you or me the whole day!" I yelled at him.  
"Oh yeah, sorry," he scratched his head, grinning.  
He could be so stupid sometimes, I swear.  
Saaya Yamabuki, queen of the school, head of the cheerleaders, an all-around-amazing and flawless independent girl. She's what every girl wants to be and what any guy would want in a girl.  
In other words, she's _perfection_.  
The total opposite of me, of course.  
She's also really nice and my friend which I really love okay.  
That's another reason why I can't tell him what I feel. I mean, they are a perfect couple and I wouldn't want to ruin that and it's not like he's going to leave a diamond for a rock.  
So…  
right?  
What am I saying? Ikuto is her boyfriend, I shouldn't even be thinking of him like that.  
I turned my head to the right and lay my head down on my desk, ignoring Ikuto's long talk of whatever he was talking about.  
My eyes closed for a moment after and that's when I went back into thinking about him again.  
And though he was right there in front of me and I was in front of him, I could never admit those words.  
My biggest fear is him leaving me and I know it sounds dumb after everything we been through, but I still feel scared.  
Yet, I could never get why he would stay for a stupid girl like me, I mean I know he cares about me but yet I still believe he doesn't need me. He has other friends, persons that make him happy and a beautiful girlfriend. A nice reputation in school, he's into sports and he's every teacher's favorite _yet  
_he talks to me. Even though I take out every ounce of my being to him and let him explore my soul day by day. Even though I break down and deny everything he tells me…  
Even though I am just _nothing_ compare to him.  
I just don't get it.  
I took out a deep breath and open my eyes to stare out the window.  
It was cloudy outside and there was no sun around meaning it might rain later.  
I mentally smacked myself for being such a dummy since I didn't bring an umbrella.  
"Don't worry, I got you," he whispered in my ear.  
I could feel my cheeks heating up.  
"Idiot, how did you know?" I asked in wonder.  
"You were staring out the window," he answered.  
"Oh," that's all I said.  
Then my mind started wandering back to the same things again, repeating itself about Ikuto and me, my memories, my feelings, and my silence.  
This is a never ending cycle because this is what I spend most of the day thinking about.  
I love him but I need to forget.  
I will never be good enough.  
The bell rang, snapping me out of my thoughts again.  
"Come on Amu, let's go home."

** x-x-x  
**_**I hope you enjoy it. I know it was really short but I'll try to make the next chapter longer, though!  
If you have any questions or anything please don't be afraid to ask.  
I don't tickle.  
I am super excited for this fanfic since it kind of relates to me in a way. Anyway, please don't be afraid to drop a review, thank you! The fun is just beginning, guys. Bye! **__**( ´ **__** ` )**__**ﾉ**_


	2. Idiot

**Hello, I am back again! Too soon? Lmao, sorry but I am just really excited to work with this that I couldn't help but start another new chapter right after I got done with the first one. No, I am not trying to make Amu a suicidal teenager in this story. She's going to be depressing though and very insecure in some things! Thanks for your advice also, I'll try to add more spaces from now on.  
Omg, thank you! I didn't think anyone would review my story, honestly, so thanks for your help you both! Thanks to everyone who followed and favorite my story. I appreciate it so much!  
It means a lot ;o;!  
****x-x-x**

**Chapter 2: Idiot**  
**  
x-x-x**

**Amu's P.O.V**

_"Stop being such an idiot Amu and get ready. I am not going to be waiting for you for like 2,000 years. Hurry up because I am not going to be late for work! Stupid waste of space!" _I could hear my Mom yelling all the way from downstairs just as I got up from bed.

I stretched my arms then got up, tiredly, walking towards the restroom.  
When I went inside, I stopped to look at myself in the mirror.  
It felt like a long time had passed but in reality it was only five minutes.

"I am so ugly," I whispered to myself after another 2 minutes passed by.  
From hair to my lips, to my neck, to my eyes, to my pink hair…  
Who could like someone like _me_?

My mom is right.

I'm a waste of space, I do bother everyone else, I am too ugly for anyone to like…  
I blinked back my tears, refusing to cry at freaking 6 A.M this morning because I still have to go to school, I still have things to do, and what's crying going to get me at?  
I have to keep it all inside.

That way, I won't bother anyone, that way I will remember all the pathetic things that hurt me, that way I will know where my place is with Ikuto and resist from doing things I shouldn't.

That way I hurt.

I deserve all the hurt I can get because firstly, I don't deserve an ounce of happiness and my own family made sure of that.  
They make sure to remind me every single day and sadly, I fall into their traps every time.  
If I get some happiness, they will take it away and destroy it.  
Because life has a funny way of making me smile once in a while and it turns out it's just a trick.  
That's how I think of Ikuto also.

I splashed my face with water to clear out any signs that I wanted to cry and made sure that my eyes weren't watery or red after.

No matter what, I don't want my Mom to get some satisfaction from seeing me break down every time she calls me something or does something to hurt me.

I put on something simple quickly then grabbed my backpack and run out of my room before my mom scream again.

"Get in the car, stupid," my mom said as she threw the keys at me.

I freaked out but instantly move to catch them.  
Then I ran out the door towards the car but before I could even reach the car, I felt something grabbing me by the hand and my heart stopped.

My hand curl into a fist, about to punch whoever decided to bother me, but before I could even do so also, I turned around.

It was Ikuto.  
My cheeks didn't fail to turn red like always.

"Whooah, Amu, chill! It's me," he said, looking at me worriedly.  
"Oh, wow. I was about to punch you and kill you," I told him.  
"I only grabbed your hand," he pointed out.  
"That's enough to make me want to kill someone at this time of the morning," I said.

What's he doing here anyway? I thought he would have been already in school since he has to pick up Saaya before seven then leave, with his car, to school.  
"What are you doing here?" I asked, curiously. Maybe he wants to be with me?  
I felt my inner self laughing at the thought bitterly then say, "You think so?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to ask you if you want to ride with me and Saaya to school today. She kept insisting me to do so since she really misses you lately. She hasn't seen you much," he answered then place his hands inside the pockets of his sweater.

Well, _ouch_.  
It was Saaya who wanted to see me. Not Ikuto.  
I forced myself to smile at him.

"I don't think that would be a good idea. My mom is already leaving me at school and I don't want to bother you or Saaya, please tell her that I am sorry. I'll try to talk to her during lunch today, I hope you two can forgive me, though," I apologized then open my Mom's car and got in before he could say anything.

Truth is, I don't want to be a third wheel like I always been since they started dating.  
Rarely, I and Ikuto do something that it's only us together and whenever we plan on doing something Saaya comes in the plan.

It also hurts too much to see them flirting and sharing secrets with each other right in front of me.  
I rather not put myself through the pain because it'll be difficult to hold in my tears.

I watched him leave through the car's window then look at my lap.

_It's for the best Ikuto, I am sorry.  
_  
**  
x-x-x**

"Amu-chan, are you okay?" my friend Tadase questioned me, worriedly.  
_No I am not. I am hurting, just hurting._

I smiled at him and nodded.

"You don't seem okay, you look kind of pale," he told me.

"I am okay."

"Why do you look like you want to cry then?" he asked.

"I don't want to cry," I responded.

"Amu, please if there's anythin-"

"Just drop it, Tadase, please I don't need your help. Please understand," I interrupted.  
He looked at me, sadly, then turn back to do his work.

"_Please don't be upset, Tadase, it's not worth it…"_ I thought then look outside the window, like always.  
Looking outside the window helps me escape from reality for a little while even though I end up thinking about Ikuto at the end.

It helps though, to calm me down especially when the window is open.  
You could feel the breeze from the outside in the inside of the classroom and I love that very much.

The wind is free and it moves in any direction, free of the world, no worries, just flowing like water, it doesn't have to be mess up like I am. It's invisible, you can't see it but you can feel it and I think that's nice.  
**  
x-x-x**

"Hey Amu, I am going to Saaya's house this afternoon. I am going to be missing our mo-"  
I hung up.

I don't need that anymore. He's always canceling on me now and it _stings_.  
I threw my phone on the bed then lay down on it.

"Why am I messed up?" I asked myself out loud.  
But of course, nobody answer my question.  
My afternoons are constantly lonely now without Ikuto visiting me or anyone else but yet again he's the only who cares enough to do so.

It hurts, it hurts…

I sat down then hug my knees close to my chest tightly, as much as I could.  
Suddenly, the darkness started to become unbearable, the walls were closing in on me, the room felt way too small, suddenly my heart started to hurt more than ever, strangely my stomach felt like it was tying itself into big knots, and my eyes started bringing out tears rapidly.

I cried and cried. I couldn't stop as much as I wanted to.__

_It hurts… it hurts_.

Tear after tear.

Sob after sob.

I placed my hand on top my chest, breathing in and out slowly to calm down.  
I didn't want to cry anymore, this is what I wanted to avoid and I miserably _failed_.  
I am so weak.

I hate being alone, I hate waiting on something that's never going to happen and I know it, I hate bringing out the best in me just to lamely fail, I hate crying every single night, I hate having to listen to Ikuto's endless ranting about Saaya, when is it all going to stop?  
I punched the bed super hard, rage suddenly forming quickly in my heart and mind for every stupid thing that weakens me.

I hate _me._

_I just hate.  
_

**x-x-x**

It didn't took long for the night to come or for the shadows of the night make their way through my window along with the soft light of the moon.  
I finally stopped crying but I felt so numb and empty.  
I imagine myself to be a small lonely brick laying down on a bed while staring at the shadows of everything else.  
How lucky would I be if I was a brick?  
It would be better than being me right now.

Everything felt so dead and empty.  
My room was messy from my break down.  
Messy like me.

Hour after hour, my eyes were wide open and I never manage to fall asleep.  
When my alarm went on, I turned it off then got up to get ready for another long day at school.  
I wasn't ready for anything today, much less see Ikuto or anyone.

I didn't feel alive.  
Everything kept feeling empty and even if my mom's screams and comments were painful, I didn't cry.  
And by the passing seconds, I just kind of felt that I was losing myself, the one who I depend to fall on every time, the one who stays strong and forces smiles at all right times, the one who loves Ikuto and believes that she could be happy.

"Get out of my car, idiot," my Mom told me when she parked in front of the school.

I opened the door and got out but before I could say goodbye, she left quickly.  
My heart dropped a little bit more and I slowly made my way inside school after, trying to shrug off what just happened.

It's not worth to worry about since she's always like this.  
**  
x-x-x**

"Hey Amu!" Ikuto called out as soon as I saw him in front of his locker.

I stared at him, blankly, then turned around to walk another way around to my class.  
I didn't feel like dealing with him or Saaya or Tadase. Why can't they leave me alone for once?

I sighed as I felt him grabbing me by the front of my backpack.  
I knew that he wouldn't let go until I face him.  
**  
**"What's been going on, Amu? You've been avoiding me lately and you seem really dead, to be honest with you," he managed to speak out after a few minutes of silence.  
But by then, I couldn't help but to finally let out of some steam after everything he's been putting me through, even if it wasn't technically his fault but still.  
I felt the need of hurting him a little and torturing him.

"Could you leave me alone? You've been a very bad friend, truthfully, you never notice anything. I could be dead and you would take until like six years to notice or whenever you want. You only come to me when you need something. What about me? You think I don't have feelings or what? I am not a robot, Ikuto, I am a person too and I've enough of you using me and raising my hopes up for this friendship to keep going. I am tired, just tired of you and everything! So leave me alone!" I screamed, my heart filling itself with rage over and over and I couldn't seem to stop it at all.  
And when I least expected it, I started crying once again.

In front of him.

In front of Ikuto.  
And I just felt so weak.

So, I only did what I thought of first.  
My first reaction that I always take whenever things hurt me and I snap.  
I ran and ran away from school, home, and ran away from the person who saw me exploding for the first time in years.

And ran away from the girl who took what was once mine.  
And ran away from everything.  
_  
Away from my pain._  
_  
I am so sorry Ikuto, I am an idiot._

** x-x-x**

**This chapter was kind of depressing but please bear with me! It's all necessary, alright?  
I hope I didn't take long updating, though, it feels like years went by already I don't know.  
Sorry, I am kind of awkward lmao. Anyway, how are you ladies and gentleman? Please don't be afraid of leaving a review or if you want, a message! I don't mind as long as it's not flaming though. You guys don't know how I am super happy for those who took their time to read, review, favorite, or follow my fanfic! I really really appreciate it. It means a lot and I wish I could hug all of you so much right now. Omg **(〜￣▽￣)〜  
**With much love and kisses,  
Tea!**( ﾟ▽ﾟ)/


End file.
